take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...

Monday, September 12, 2005

Foxy lady 

Picture the scene

Anxious is preparing dinner. Something hoves into view. In fact, it might be more appropriate to say: "something hovers into view", the something in question being a crane fly, whose sole purpose in life is to hover annoyingly. I've seen its job description, I know this to be true.

Now, I have a very special technique for dealing with such intruders.

Firstly, take a deep breath, but not so deep as to suck the errant invertebrate into the mouth - this will not help matters. Using the air recently inhaled, expel it again using a moderate amount of force through the vocal chords which you will have taken care to vibrate. This should allow a sound to be emitted from your mouth. The sound can be altered at will by changing the vibrations of the vocal chords. I find that an extremely loud and shrill noise such as a shriek is the most suitable for the circumstances.

You should try it, it really "helps" - if putting the fear of God into your significant other and waking the dead could be classified as "helpful" activities.

Such was my "helpfulness", that the significant other in question informed me that I sounded like: "a fox, shagging".

I was puzzled by this. A lone fox, shagging? Shagging what? I challenged him.

*significant other pauses for thought*

"Alright then, you sound like a fox, having a wank"

So there you have it.

Pick o' the pod, take two

  1. Free - Stevie Wonder
    I first heard this song as part of the soundtrack to this film, a film which features Kristin Scott-Thomas in a French-speaking role. I heard the song again when I was in Lyon in 2000 and decided I had to own it, there and then. I bought the album from the Virgin Megastore in Lyon's city centre, but only ever listen to that track. I think I'd like this to be played at my funeral, but as a "heathen" I'd feel uneasy about the line: "Till I feel my father God has called".

  2. In my life - Beatles
    Again, first heard as part of a film soundtrack, but I'm darned if I can remember the name of the film or indeed any of the actors or actresses. I think it was about a divorce. It made me cry.

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