take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

A familiar topic 


There's only so much reading of how fabulous everyone else is that one can take.

There are things going on in Blogland which trouble me deeply. The fact that these things trouble me deeply troubles me even more deeply. And whilst it's possible in theory to filter out these things and just stick in your safe little "corner", the knowledge that those "things" are there means the temptation for self-torture is also there. And self-torture is something in which I am *very* well practised: if there is a stick available, even though I know I shouldn't, I will use it to beat myself.

I'm like a guilty child, sneaking onto the computer in the evenings, knowing it's wrong, forever returning to those blogs which haunt and wound me, which make me reach deep down inside my self and find it lacking in so many ways. Whilst Big observes with that look which is somewhere between exasperation and pity. "Why do you do it to yourself, love?" he will say. Other times, the silence and the tears in his eyes will say it for him. It must be like watching a train wreck.

Blogging is damaging me. I am unable to have a healthy relationship with it. I must stay away or risk doing more damage.

And another thing.

How long will I wait for my period to come before I admit defeat and have a pregnancy test? Because, really, that is the *last* thing I need right now. I just want to roll myself up into a ball and cry until "it" all goes away. But it won't, will it?

Please, please, please let all of this be pre-menstrual. Please?

<< Home

<< Home