take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


"Ahhh.." he sighed, in an amused and self-satisfied tone.
"Fell asleep on the job."

Though the darkness prevented me from seeing the expression on his face, I imagined it to be one of those smug, smarmy smiles.

"Parrrp" he added, shortly afterwards, though I don't think this particular outburst emanated from his mouth.

I frowned at him, rolled over, squeezed my eyes shut and tried to get back to sleep.

Last night was one of those rare nights where sleep evaded me, making me an audience once more to the nocturnal chatter of my resident somniloquist

In the early days of our relationship, having previously been single for *rhhhhrrmmm* years, I found sharing a bed to be detrimental to my slumbers and no, not just because... well, y'know. After a frustratingly restless night, though, I would at least be able to regale him with details of his "emissions" the following morning. Our laughter would override the yawns and bleary eyes.

He always enunciates clearly and in his normal voice - no slurring, muttering or trailing off. In the early days, I wouldn't realise that he was asleep and I would reply to him, usually with a "Wha...?" and a furrowed brow. I have now learned to accept: listen, remember and make a note somewhere for later embarrassment.

And so I present just some of his *ahem* "oeuvre":

"Ahhh, the Romans" (he is a Latin teacher - he loves his job)

"I would do so, but 40 minutes with any attempt at innuendo would clearly make it very unwise"

"It's just madness, it really is. Just madness." *waves arms around* "Give me your glass and I'll put it on the side"

"Give me some money and I'll think about it, right here, right how"

"Arggh!" *sits bolt upright*

For the past year or so, it seemed that his night-time performances were waning. I rarely had any new material with which to bait him in the mornings. I'd assumed that it was because he wasn't doing it any more.

However, having heard his recent outburst, I now believe it is because I am usually too deeply asleep to hear it. Of the two of us, over time I have developed into the better sleeper. My initial "bed-sharing anxiety" meant that I would sleep very lightly, being woken by the slightest thing. This seems to have been replaced with an ability for consistent, log-like slumbers, while poor Big reads, fidgets, tosses and turns and wakes up the next morning feeling less than refreshed.

Me being me (well, who else would I be?), I am strangely envious of his sleep-based gibber. I would love to be regaled with a morning report detailing the amusing pecularities of my previous night's behaviour. Sometimes, I'll probe him if I know he's been awake:

"Did I do anything funny in my sleep?"
"No, you were quiet as a mouse, love."

In sleep as in daily life, I am doomed to be dull.

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