take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Burger Queen 

"Who is *that*?"

I wrinkled my nose in disgust at the photo which someone had taken care to enlarge, laminate and stick onto the cupboard in the office. Some colleagues looked on, bewildered. Others sniggered.

The photo depicted a woman with long, brown hair, wearing black, sitting at a desk and stuffing a not-insubstantial burger into her mouth. A paper bag, emblazoned with the livery of "Burger King", hinted at the provenance of the meaty snack she was devouring with gusto.

As I peered at the photo, I noticed a few more details. That spotty mug in the background, the desk bell just behind the monitor stand, the ever present bottle of water - all were strangely familar. Why, this was *my* desk! Albeit, not in its current position - the photo must have been taken some time ago. What on earth was this woman doing sitting at my desk? And why had someone stuck a photo of her in a prominent position in the office?

"You mean, you don't recognise her?" questioned a colleague with a wry smile and a raised eyebrow.

I looked again. Slowly, the realisation began to dawn through the brain fug which tends to accompany my arrival at the office in the mornings. I sighed a long, deep sigh.

"It's *you*!"

I nodded, resignedly. It was indeed, and unfortunately, me.

I remembered the occasion. P and I had decided one day that we had an urge to eat a burger for lunch. Whilst there was a McDonalds close by, we eschewed it in favour of the Burger King located several miles away. If we were going to have a burger, it had to be right. The only time, in more than 18 months, that I have felt the urge to eat a burger for my lunch, rather than the wholemeal rolls and salads which usually provide my office-based nutrition, and my boss decides to capture it (without my knowledge), sit on it for a while and then, one day after I'd handed in my notice, wheel it out to embarrass me.

I honestly didn't recognise myself at first. I don't photograph well. Virtually every photo of me looks different to the last. The only ones which make it on here are the ones which are not utterly hideous (which would explain why there are so few).

I'm not sure I've seen a photo of me eating before. I didn't realise that it made my nose became hooked when I opened my mouth that wide. My posture at the desk was utterly appalling. And, I promise, I was completely unaware that my little fingers were sticking out, as if I were sipping Earl Grey delicately from a dainty, bone china cup.

But, on the bright side, as my colleague pointed out, at least my hair looked nice and shiny.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

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