take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Oh, pants! 

My new trousers are too big.

Clothes being too big is a bit of a double-edged sword for women who have self-image problems, particularly those of the "I wish I were slimmer" persuasion.

Firstly, there is the delight that a garment exists in this world which is too big for our perceived, bulky frame. We revel in the gap between body and waistband, inserting a thumb and following it as far around as flexibility will allow. We pull delightedly at the loose fabric on our hips and note with glee the way the bottom hem pools on the floor. We remark with a cheeky smile that the trousers can be pulled right off without needing to undo the fastenings - all without a trace of Lycra.

The dark side comes from the realisation that the reason the trousers are too big is because the size below, that elusive size we'd like to be but can't consistently claim to be, was just a little too snug. The pockets were trying to flare out with the hips, making the inner pocket material visible. The fabric clung a little too enthusiastically to the buttocks and upper thighs. The extra journey the trousers had to make around the curves made the bottom hem fall slightly short. You and I know that ankle-flapping trouser hems do not a good look make.

So, we take the next size up, slip it on and think "Ahhh, that's better," as we fasten the waistband, effortlessly. Hot and bothered from trying the garment on in the first place and satisfied to have found a garment which fits, we hastily remove ourselves from the changing room and make our purchase.

What we forgot to note, of course, was that though the garment fitted, it didn't fit well. What it lacked in "ankle-flapping trouser hems" it more than made up for in both "baggy arse" and "flappy hip" effect. The self-colour fabric belt caused bunching, visible under a well-fitting top...

Where I used to shroud myself in such shapeless tents, I now realise the error of those ways and favour well-fitting clothes in just the right shape, just the right fabric and just the right size to make everything seem in proportion - an objective which seems about the best a woman like me can hope for.

Which leaves me with my new trousers. My new trousers which are too big. My new trousers which are too big and not easily altered.


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