take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


Last week, I was on a high. I was learning new things, my brain was engaged and challenged and we found out that soon we would be moving back to the closest thing to "home" that I have known in recent times.

I don't know what happened.

Since Friday night, when I returned from the gym, a sense of gloom has descended on me. I feel inexplicably lethargic, weirdly nauseous, pathetically tired. Though I carried on as normal at the weekend - shopping, doing chores, cooking - it was without spark or enthusiasm. I forgot to take my phone alarm off silent on Sunday night and, with Big on half term, I overslept on Monday. Luckily, Big is naturally programmed to wake up at around 7, so prodded me and asked me why I hadn't got up. With hardly the best start to the day, I went to work later than usual, but struggled to stop myself from slumping onto the desk at regular intervals throughout the day. The walk home seemed interminable.

A vague headache; can't tell if I feel hungry or sick; stomach feels empty and fluttery; legs ache; clammy. I just feel all wrong. It's as if my body is fighting something off. Without any proper, meaty symptoms to speak of, I guess that means that my body is winning the fight, but it seems to be at the expense of all my energy and drive.

I've spent today at home, shuffling around, both bored and restless, silently sobbing but not knowing why.

I want to creep away and hide for a while. In a log cabin, watching a lake. On a seaside promenade, buffeted by salty winds, my hair flailing madly, watching the sea.

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