Dear mother-out-law

Before I say anything else, I should point out that, as mother-out-laws go, you are pretty fabulous. Firstly, of course, you spawned Big and helped (sometimes unwittingly) to make him the man he is today, so I owe you one for that. Secondly, you're kind, generous, friendly, caring, funny (often inadvertently) and incredibly easy going - an ideal house guest these past few days.

But you really are as mad as a stoat.

I provide the following as evidence:

1. Quite inexplicably, you call Lidl (of German discount store fame) "Liddell's" . Where, just where, did you get those extra letters from? You also call TK Maxx "TJ Maxx". Now, I know it's called TJ Maxx in the U.S., but in case you hadn't noticed, a) you're British and b) you've been living in Manchester for at least the past 40 years, so I'm not entirely sure what your excuse is
   
   
2. When we're playing Nomination Whist, the sequence of trump suits is never-changing: Spades, Hearts, Diamonds, Clubs, No Trumps. Furthermore, after dealing, the dealer always confirms which suit is trumps for that round. Despite all of this, I cannot think of one occasion where you did not have to ask at least once again what the trumps are for that round whilst sorting your cards.
   
   
3. You know when we were in that charity shop, the one where there were prominent posters saying "EVERYTHING 99p"? And you know when the shop assistant told you that everything was 99p? And you know how you kept approaching the desk, wielding items and asking how much they were? I felt like I was participating in a live comedy sketch...
   
   
4. I really, really appreciate your helping out with the gardening. I will happily admit to being largely ignorant of things horticultural and bow to your greater knowledge of the subject. But is it really necessary to do the gardening dressed in only shorts and a bra?
   
   
5. I absolutely respect your right to watch Australian soaps. As our house guest, I am happy for you to watch them in our house. However, attempting to engage me in a discussion on one of the above-mentioned programmes will only result in my looking blankly at you because I am Simply Not Interested
   
   
6. Normally, people wait until someone has said something you haven't heard before saying: "Pardon". I've barely opened my mouth to start to say something before I hear you say "Pardon". And often, it transpires that you have actually heard what I've said anyway.
   
   
7. I know you don't like waste. I don't like waste either. But that cream was over a week out of date and I reserve the right to throw it away.
   
   
8. People buy things off the internet all the time. You know, like that cookery book you wanted, because your old one fell apart? One thing, though: you really don't need to send the vendor a thank you letter. No, really. Bless you for wanting to, though.


9. I know you're used to cooking on a gas hob and that our ceramic hob might cause you some grief. But I couldn't quite believe it when you asked me: "On your cooker, is 6 higher than 1?"

If nothing else, though, you've kept us entertained.

Safe journey home, now.

Love Anx