take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...

Monday, December 10, 2007

A letter I will never send 

Dear ex-potential future employer

Thank you for your feedback, which was received via the recruitment consultant only several weeks after the various interviews that I was most generously given the opportunity to attend.

I am sorry that you felt unable to take my application any further, due to your concerns over "team fit". As you said, your department is populated mostly by middle-aged men; heaven forbid that a thirty-something, "happy, outgoing" (your words) woman with a strong personality should be introduced into such a department. Who knows what might happen!

Next time, I shall arrange to have a sex-change and a personality transplant, so that I might better achieve "team fit".

I was interested to note that your HR representative mentioned that I was "difficult to engage" in conversation while walking from the lift to his office (though he also admitted that once in his office and being interviewed, I was fine). How preposterous that someone coming for an interview should be slightly nervous at first! I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for this behaviour. Allow me also to apologise that my knowledge of and interest in rush-hour traffic on the M27 is sadly lacking. I’m afraid I did not realise that such knowledge was a prerequisite for the position (and having gone through the job description, I am still unsure as to how it is relevant, but will bow to your no-doubt superior knowledge on this matter).

Next time, I will be sure to prepare a veritable raft of tedious, traffic-based small talk in preparation for such an eventuality.

I also apologise for achieving the highest score in 3 years in your technical test. Evidently, you are not seeking someone who is highly competent in their area of expertise.

Next time, I will be sure to achieve only an average score.

Finally, I’d like to apologise for causing such confusion among your managers, to the extent that one of them decided that I would be (and I quote) "a breath of fresh air" and informed me (via the recruitment consultant) that I would be offered the job, whilst another had decided that I was not suitable, for the reasons cited above.

I realise that I have wasted several weeks of your no-doubt valuable time in recruitment and wish you luck in finding someone who fits the profile of dull, average, middle-aged man lacking in personality who enjoys discussing motorway traffic.

Yours faithfully


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