take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Special Agent:Amber A.k.a:"Bam-Bam"Age:2
Sex:Female
Appearance:Small, fluffy, tortoiseshell, large white feet
Special Abilities: Jumping into boxes, hiding under beds, endearing self to human subjects.
Cover Story: Your owner has gone on an extended holiday. You must be temporarily housed with other humans for your own welfare.
Mission Summary: Study the humans in their home environment, collect data and submit report of lifestyle, behaviours, food and hygiene.
Details:
Your duties have two main purposes. Firstly, to engage the humans in order to gain their trust and admiration. Humans are generally weak-minded and will inevitably respond to your charms. Secondly, to collect data on their habitat and behaviours. Duties include, but are not restricted to, the following:
- Patrol the room
- Peer into the fireplace, going up on hindlegs to better inspect the chimney if necessary
- Rub lips against cardboard box on floor to detect its chemical make up. If humans become suspicious, jump into box, looking slightly bewildered and making scratching noises. The humans will probably laugh at this, and continue about their business
- Inspect plant pot - try to ascertain the function of the plant in the humans' life. Beware: the plant may try to attack you by brushing you with its fronds. If this occurs - run like the wind!
- Jump up on back of sofa and stare out of the window
- Use scratching post with intense concentration and with ears pinned back. This is preferable to using other pieces of human furniture - you may lose their trust if you use, for example, the sofa
- Jump onto suede beanbag, examine its strange squidginess. This can be an alarming experience if you are not used to it
- Beware of any sudden movements/slight noises/passing cars/someone sneezing and run for your life if required.
- Jump onto humans and settle down to snuggle, patting them on their face if they dare to stop stroking you. This is part of the endearment process - they will not be able to imagine life without you.
- Drink from the humans' water glass on the side table. This is the only way to ensure that the water you drink is safe
- Attempt to gain a sample of any foods the humans are eating, by mewling pathetically and looking up at them adoringly
- If the humans attempt to shut you downstairs at night, attempt to burrow your way through the carpet using your claws. The humans might shout at you when they come down in the morning, but do not let this deter you - remember, you must study their nocturnal behaviour!
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