take one woman with low self esteem, but quite good hair
add one moronic illness
stir in some medication which causes hair to fall out
mix it all up and this is what you get...

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Open letter to estate agents 

Dear Estate Agents

In UK English, that thing which marks the boundary between the pavement and the road; the thing against which we sometimes squidge our tyres when parallel parking; the thing which is sometimes lowered to assist access to a driveway; that thing is called a "kerb", not a "curb".

The thing you plant flowers in in the garden is called a "border". A "boarder" is quite another thing and not usually a selling point when describing a house.

An area is "sought" after, rather than "saught" after.

When you mentioned that the bathroom window was made of "opaque glass", didn't you actually mean that it was made of "obscured glass"?

So, this house offers: "Off road parking for approximately one car", does it? Approximately one car. Well, I should be okay, because I've got three quarters of a car. What about one and a half cars, though, will that work?

Yours, in bewilderment


Once again, I find myself confronted with the combination of shoddy grammar, invented vocabulary, pathetic attempts at spelling and downright nonsense that is the very hallmark of estate agents' language. This time we are buyers rather than sellers, which only serves to increase the amount of verbal diarrhoea on offer.

The latest disease which seems endemic to estate agents in this town is to describe properties as being "all up together". "All up together", eh? As opposed to what, exactly? "Partially down and apart" perhaps?

I'm trying to imagine viewing a "partially down and apart" property:

"Ah yes, Ms Anx, this pile of bricks here is what will be the kitchen. The roof is a couple of miles away and the bathroom, whilst fully assembled, is on the other side of the road."

Are they simply differentiating the house from a building site or a plot of land? Well no, of course they're not. Obviously, what they mean by "all up together" is "in good decorative order". Obviously.

So, um, why not just say that instead?

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